"Be with yourself" is advice I have been given by wise people in my life. This is so difficult for me. Being with me is being with unspeakable loneliness. When my husband or my boyfriend or my cat focus anywhere other than me, or if I let go of, or give up on, focusing on them, I am left with me.
I was in a roomful of people once who were taking turns to speak. When my turn came, I spoke. When my turn ended, I realized that if all these people stayed with me twenty-four hours a day and cared for me and let me speak the entire time so that I had a forever turn, it still wouldn't be enough. Even if they encircled me and sat me in the middle so I was their complete center of attention, I would look over their shoulders to see who else might come. No man or woman could ever provide solace for the vastness of that unending yearning. And certainly not a small black cat, however golden her eyes.
Helen's window vigilance has worn her out. She sleeps now. I'm tired, too. Will Helen ever find peace with not having what seems to be right there, so tantalizingly close?
Will I?
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